A Divided Self

As many of you know I was supposed to travel to Texas last week to my step-brother’s funeral. In spite of the sadness of the occasion, I was looking forward to seeing that side of my family that I had not seen since our mother’s funeral 13 years ago. I had an early flight and weather in Tahoe was to be snowy (which it wasn’t) so I spent Monday night at an airport hotel in Reno. I spent the night being sick and by 4 am, I cancelled my flight and stayed in bed until Dean came for me at noon. 

While I slept and lay there, I was very aware I was supposed to be on a plane. By the time I was home, I was very aware of my friend and her house and what our conversation that afternoon and evening would have been. 

Wednesday, again a day in bed, I kept thinking about my friend and my family and what it was like to be gathering, visiting, sharing. 

Thursday was the service itself and although I got out of bed and bathed and dressed, I just sat around rather sad and depressed and was with the family, thinking about them and loving them and wondering about the service. My step-sister and her daughters were planning lunch for the family and, knowing these women, I know it was amazing. She may have just pulled together food at the house (there is always lots of food brought to the house at a Southern funeral) or maybe she had it catered. Whatever she decided, be assured it was casually elegant and perfectly planned and of course delicious. 

Friday morning about 3 o’clock, I woke with the realization that I was well. As I was supposed to be spending the afternoon and evening with more good friends, I thought about them a lot and all the things we would have talked about and shared together.

As I woke on Saturday morning, I knew I was on the plane. About noon my emotional self popped back into my physical self and I was home. 

It was an interesting experience. Usually I am very present in the moment wherever I am and whatever I am doing. Last week I was definitely a divided person, physically existing in my normal environment and still very present in a distant place. It’s good to be one again.